Beware of Teaching Children Pride... ( St. Paisios )

Most of us parents are very proud of our children. We are continually reinforcing their accomplishments with praise and telling them how wonderful they are. But is this healthy for them? This is a question that surely will draw much discussion and differing viewpoints. 

 
Here is what St. Paisios has to say,


Many parents, thinking they dearly love their children, end up destroying them without realizing it. For example, a mother, who excessively loves her daughter, tells her while holding her in her arms: "I have the best child in the world." Therefore, from a very young age (when a child is unable to realize it and react against it) the child acquires a haughty mind-set and believes she is a nice person. As a result, she is unable to sense the lack of God's presence and his benevolent power in her life and of course, cannot learn to ask for Him. Consequently, she develops a self-confidence as stiff as marble, which often never goes away, since, as the time goes by, it becomes very difficult to get rid of it. The challenge of a parent is to help their child develop a healthy self-esteem which includes humility, while teaching them that all comes from God. Truly, we are all God's children and everything we have and can do comes from Him. It is important to remember to thank Him for the gifts He gives us and our ability to develop and apply them. Pride develops when we think our accomplishments are all our doing or that we are inherently better than others.

How about the extreme emphasis on sports and it competitiveness? A recent survey showed that those who participate in the major sports of baseball, basketball or football are more likely to cheat in school. These activities which emphasize personal accomplishment independent of God can lead our children away from God making it more difficult for them in later life to repent and come closer to God.

We as parents have an awesome responsibly. First we have to develop humility ourselves.

St. Paisios says,

Parents must look after their spiritual life, because apart from themselves, they are also responsible for their children. Of course, they have the excuse of having inherited their negative traits from their own parents; they have no excuse, however, for not trying to get rid of them, once they become aware of their existence. Work continually on your own relationship with God and you will continually become a better parent.

 

St. Paisios

The Upbringing of Children .. ( St.Porphyrios )

A large part of the responsibility for a person's spiritual state lies with the family

A child's upbringing commences at the moment of its conception. The embryo hears and feels in its mothers womb. Yes, it hears and it sees with its mother's eyes. It is aware of her movements and her emotions, even though its mind has not developed. If the mother's face darkens, it darkens too. If the mother is irritated, then it becomes irritated also. Whatever the mother experiences — sorrow, pain, fear, anxiety, etc. — is also experienced by the embryo.

If the mother doesn't want the child, if she doesn't love it, then the embryo senses this and traumas are created in its little soul that ac­company it all its life. The opposite occurs through the mother's holy emotions. When she is filled with joy, peace and love for the embryo, she transmits these things to it mystically, just as happens to children that have been born.

For this reason a mother must pray a lot during her pregnancy and love the child growing within her, caressing her abdomen, reading psalms, singing hymns and living a holy life. This is also for her own benefit. But she makes sacrifices for the sake of the embryo so that the child will become more holy and will acquire from the very outset holy foundations.

Do you see how delicate a matter it is for a woman to go through a pregnancy? Such a responsibility and such an honour!

I will tell you something about other animate and non-rational be­ings and you will understand what I mean. In America the following experiment was carried out: in two identical rooms which were kept at exactly the same temperature flowers were planted in identical soil and watered in exactly the same way. There was, however, one differ­ence: in the one room gentle, soothing music was played. And the re­sult? The flowers in that room displayed an enormous difference in relation to the flowers in the other room. They had a quite different vitality, their colours were more attractive and they grew incompara­bly better.



What saves and makes for good children is the life of the parents in the home

What saves and makes for good children is the life of the parents in the home. The parents need to devote themselves to the love of God. They need to become saints in their relation to their children through their mildness, patience and love. They need to make a new start every day, with a fresh outlook, renewed enthusiasm and love for their children. And the joy that will come to them, the holiness that will visit them, will shower grace on their children. Generally the parents are to blame for the bad behaviour of the children. And their behaviour is not improved by reprimands, disciplining, or strictness. If the parents do not pursue a life of holiness and if they don't engage in spiritual struggle, they make great mistakes and transmit the faults they have within them. If the par­ents do not live a holy life and do not display love towards each other, the devil torments the parents with the reactions of the children. Love, har­mony and understanding between the parents are what are required for the children. This provides a great sense of security and certainty.

The behaviour of the children is directly related to the state of the parents. When the children are hurt by the bad behaviour of the parents towards each other, they lose the strength and desire to progress in their lives. Their lives are constructed shoddily and the edifice of their soul is in constant danger of collapsing. Let me give you two examples.

Two sisters came to see me. One of them had gone through some very distressing experiences and they asked me what was the cause of these. I answered them:

'It's because of your home; it stems from your parents.' And as I looked at the girl I said:

'These are things you've inherited from your mother.'

'But,' she said,' my parents are such perfect people. They're Chris­tians, they go to confession, they receive Communion and we had a re­ligious upbringing. Unless it is religion that is to blame...'

I said to them:

'I don't believe a word of all that you're telling me. I see one tiling only, and that is that your parents don't live with the joy of Christ.'

On hearing this, the other girl said:

'Listen, Maria, the Father's quite right. Our parents go to confession and receive Holy Communion, but did we ever have any peace at home. Our father was constantly complaining about our mother. And every day either the one refused to sit at the table or the other refused to go out somewhere together. So you see what the Father is saying is true.

'What's your father's name?' I asked her,

She told me.

'What's your mother's name?'

She told me.

'Well,' I said,' the feelings you've got inside you towards your moth­er are not at all good.'

You see, the moment she told me her father's name I saw his soul, and the moment she told me her mother's name, I saw her mother and I saw the way her daughter looked at her.

Another day a mother came to visit me with one of her daughters. She was very distressed and broke down in tears.

'What's the matter?' I asked.

'I'm in total despair over my older daughter. She threw her husband out the house and deceived us all with a pack of lies.'

'What kind of lies?' I inquired.

'She threw her husband out the house ages ago and she didn't tell us anything. We would ask on the phone, "How's Stelios doing?1', and she would reply, "Oh, he's fine. He's just gone out to buy a newspaper." Each time she would think up some new excuse so that we wouldn't suspect anything. And this went on for two whole years. A few days ago we learned the truth from Stelios himself when we bumped into him by chance.'

So I said to her:

'The fault's your own. It's you that's to blame, you and your husband, but you most of all.'

'What do you mean!' she said indignantly. 'I loved my children to the point that I was never out of the kitchen. I had no life of my own at all. I took them to the church and I was always telling them the right thing to do. How can you say that I'm to blame?'

I turned to her other daughter who was with her and asked:

'What do you think about the matter?'

'The Father's right, Mom,' she said. 'We never ever enjoyed a single day when you weren't quarrelling with Dad.'

'Do you see then, how I'm right? It is you that are to blame. You traumatized the children. They are not to blame, but they are suffering the consequences.'

A psychological state is created in a child as a result of its parents that accompanies it throughout its life. Its later behaviour and its relationships with others are directly connected with the experiences that it carries with it from its childhood years. The child grows up and develops, but at bot­tom it does not change. This is manifested even in the smallest expressions of life. For example, you get a craving for food and want to eat. You take something and eat it, then you see something else and you want that. You feel hungry and think that if you don't eat you'll feel faint and you'll start to tremble. You're afraid you'll lose weight. This is a psychological state that has its explanation. Perhaps you never knew your father or your mother, and you feel deprived and hungry, poor and weak. And this psy­chological reality is expressed by way of reflex as a weakness of the body.

A large part of the responsibility for a person's spiritual state lies with the family. For children to be released from their various inner problems it is not enough for them to receive good advice, or to be compelled by force; nor do logical arguments or threats do any good. These things rather make matters worse. The solution is to be found through the sanctification of the parents. Become saints and you will have no problems with your children. The sanctity of their parents releases the children from their problems. Children want to have saintly people at their side, people with lots of love who will neither intimidate them nor lecture them, but who will provide a saintly example and pray for them. You par­ents should pray silently to Christ with upraised arms and embrace your children mystically. When they misbehave you will take some discipli­nary measures, but you will not coerce them. Above all you need to pray.

Parents, especially the mother, often cause hurt to a child for some act of misbehaviour by scolding it excessively. The child is then wounded. Even if you don't scold the child outwardly but bristle with anger in­wardly or look fiercely at the child, the child understands. The child be­lieves that its mother doesn't love it and asks, 'Do you love me, Mummy?' The mother answers, 'Yes, dear,' but the child is not convinced. It has been wounded. The mother loves it, she'll caress it later, but the child will pull its head away. It refuses to be caressed, regarding this as hypocrisy because it has been wounded.


Over-protectiveness leaves children immature
Another thing that harms children is over-protectiveness, that is, exces­sive care or excessive anxiety and worry on the part of the parents.

A mother used to complain to me that her five-year-old child was disobedient. 'It's your fault,' I told her, but she didn't understand. Once I went for a walk by the seaside with this mother along with the child. The little boy let go of his mother's hand and ran towards the sea. There was a sand dune there and the sea came in directly behind it. The mother im­mediately reacted with anxiety and was about to s wards the boy who was standing on top of the dune with outstretched arms trying to keep his balance. I calmed her down and told to her to turn her back on the boy while I kept an eye on him askance. When the boy despaired of provoking his mother's attention and causing her to panic and scream as usual, he calmly climbed down and walked towards us. That was the end of it. Then the mother understood what I meant.

Another mother used to complain that her little boy wouldn't eat all his food, especially his yoghurt. The little one was about three years old and tormented his mother every day. I said to her:

'What you should do is this. Empty the refrigerator completely and then fill it with some yoghurt. When lunchtime comes you'll give Peter his yo­ghurt. He'll refuse to eat it. In the evening you'll give him it again and the same the next day. In the end he'll get hungry and will try some. He'll throw a tantrum, but you'll just put up with it. Thereafter he'll eat it quite happily.'

That's just what happened and yoghurt became Peter's favourite food.

These things aren't difficult, but many mothers are unable to do them and the result is that they give their children a very bad upbringing. Mothers who are always standing over their children and pressurizing them, that is, over-protecting them, have failed in their task. You need to leave the child alone to take an interest in its own progress. Then you will succeed. When you are always standing over them, the children react. They become lethargic and weak-willed and generally are unsuccessful in life. This is a kind of over-protectiveness that leaves the children immature.

A few days ago a mother came here in a state of despair because of her son's repeated failures in the university entrance exams. He had been an excellent pupil in elementary school and all the way through high school. But in the end he failed repeatedly and showed indifference and had strange reactions.

'It's your fault,' I said to the mother, 'educated woman though you are! How else did you expect the boy to react? Pressure, pressure, pres­sure all these years, "Make sure you're top of the class, don't let us down, get yourself an important position in society..." Now he's thrown in the towel; he doesn't want anything. Stop this pressure and over-protection and you'll see that the boy will regain his equilibrium. He'll make progress once you let him be.'


A child needs to be surrounded by people who pray and pray ardently
A child needs to be surrounded by people who pray and pray ardently. A mother should not be satisfied by giving her child a physical caress, but should also coddle it with the caress of prayer. In the depths of its soul the child senses the spiritual caress that its mother conveys to it and is drawn to her. It feels security and certainty when its mother mys­tically embraces it with constant, intense and fervent prayer and releas­es it from whatever is oppressing it.

Mothers know how to express anxiety, offer advice and talk inces­santly, but they haven't learned to pray. Most advice and criticism does a great deal of harm. You don't need to say a lot to children. Words hammer at the ears, but prayer goes to the heart. Prayer is required, with faith and without anxiety, along with a good example.

One day a mother came here distraught about her son, George. He was very mixed-up. He stayed out late at night and the company he kept was far from good. Every day things were getting worse. The mother was overcome by anxiety and distress.

I said to her:

'Don't say a word. Just pray.'

We agreed that between ten and ten fifteen every evening we would both pray. I told her to say not a word and to leave her son to stay out till whatever time he wanted, without asking him, 'What sort of time is this to come home? Where were you?', or any such thing. Instead she would say to him as lovingly as possible, 'Come and eat, George, there's food in the fridge.' Beyond this she was to say nothing. She would be­have towards him with love and not stop praying.

The mother began to apply this tactic, and after about twenty days had passed the boy asked her:

'Mother, why don't you speak to me?'

'What do you mean, George, that I don't speak to you?'

'You've got something against me, Mother, and you're not speaking to me.'

'What strange idea is this that you've got into your head, George? Of course I speak to you. Am I not speaking to you now? What do you want me to say to you?'

George made no reply.

The mother then came to the monastery and asked me:

'Elder, what was the meaning of this that the boy said to me?'

'Our tactic has worked!'

'What tactic?'

'The tactic I told you — of not speaking and simply praying secret­ly and that the boy would come to his senses,'

'Do you think that that is it?'

'That is it,' I told her. 'He wants you to ask him "Where were you? What were you doing?" so that he can shout and react and come home even later the next night.'

'Is that so?' she said. 'What strange mysteries are hidden!'

'Do you understand now? He was tormenting you because he want­ed you to react to his behaviour so that he could stage his little act. Now that you're not shouting at him he is upset. Instead of you being upset when he does what he wants, now he is upset because you don't appear distressed and you display indifference.'

One day George announced that he was giving up his job and going to Canada. He had told his boss to find a replacement because he was leaving. In the meantime I said to his parents:

'We'll pray.'

'But he's ready to leave... I'll grab him by the scruff of the neck!' said his father.

'No,' I told him, 'don't do anything.'

'But the boy's leaving, Elder!3

I said: 'Let him leave. You just devote yourselves to prayer and I'll be with you.'

Two or three days later early one Sunday morning George an­nounced to his parents:

'I'm going off today with my friends.'

'Fine,' they replied, 'do as you want.'

He left, and along with his friends, two girls and two boys, he hired a car and set off for Chalkida. They drove around aimlessly here and there. Then they went past the church of Saint John the Russian and from there to Mantoudi, Aghia Anna and beyond to Vasilika, They had a swim in the Aegean Sea, they ate, drank and had a fine time. At the end of it all they set off on the road home. It was already dark. George was driving. As they were passing through Aghia Anna the car hit the cor­ner of a house and was badly damaged. What could they do now? They managed to bring the car back to Athens at a crawling pace.

George arrived back home in the early hours of the morning. His parents said nothing to him and he went off to sleep. When he woke up he came and said to his father:

'Do you know what happened?... Now we'll have to repair the car and it will cost a lot of money.'

His father said:

'Well, George, you'll have to find a solution to this yourself. You know I've got debts to pay and your sisters to look after...'

'What can I do, father?'

'Do whatever you like. You're grown-up and you've got a brain of your own. Go off to Canada and make some money...'

'I can't do that. We have to repair the car now.'

I've no idea what you should do,' said his father. 'Sort it out yourself.'

So, seeing that further dialogue with his father was pointless, he said no more and left. He went to his boss and said:

'I had an accident with a car. I don't want to leave now, so don't hire anyone else.'

His boss said:

'That's all right by me, lad.'

'Yes, but I would like you to give me some money in advance.'

'That's fine, but you were wanting to leave. If you want money, your father will have to sign for it.'

I'll sign for it myself. My father doesn't want to get involved. He told me so. I'll work and I'll repay it.'

Now isn't that a miracle?

When the boy's mother came again to see me I said to her:

'The method we employed worked and God heard our prayer. The accident was from God and now the boy will stay at home and will come to his senses.'

That's what happened through our prayer. It was a miracle. The par­ents fasted, prayed and kept silent and they were successful. Some time later the boy himself came and found me — without any of his family having said anything to him about me. George became a very fine man and now works in the air force and is married with a lovely family.


With children what is required is a lot of prayer and few words
All things are achieved through prayer, silence and love. Have you un­derstood the effects of prayer? Love in prayer, love in Christ. That is what is truly beneficial. As long as you love your children with human love — which is often pathological — the more they will be mixed-up, and the more their behaviour will be negative. But when the love be­tween you and towards your children is holy and Christian love, then you will have no problem. The sanctity of the parents saves the chil­dren. For this to come about, divine grace must act on the souls of the parents. No one can be sanctified on his own. The same divine grace will then illuminate, warm and animate the souls of the children. People often telephone me from abroad and ask me about their children and about other matters. Today a mother phoned me from Milan and asked me how she should behave towards her children. What I said to her was this:

'Pray, and when you have to, speak to your children with love. Lots of prayer and few words. Lots of prayer and few words for everyone. We mustn't become an annoyance, but rather pray secretly and then speak, and God will let us know in our hearts whether the others have accept­ed what we have said. If not, we won't speak. We will simply pray mys­tically. Because if we speak we become an annoyance and make others react or even infuriate them. That is why it is better to speak mystically to the heart of others through secret prayer rather than to their ears.

Pray and then speak. That's what to do with your children. If you are constantly lecturing them, you'll become tiresome and when they grow up they'll feel a kind of oppression. Prefer prayer and speak to them through prayer. Speak to God and God will speak to their hearts. That is, you shouldn't give guidance to your children with a voice that they hear with their ears. You may do this too, but above all you should speak to God about your children. Say, "Lord Jesus Christ, give Your light to my children. I en­trust them to You. You gave them to me, but I am weak and unable to guide them, so, please, illuminate them." And God will speak to them and they will say to themselves, "Oh dear, I shouldn't have upset Mummy by doing that!" And with the grace of God this will come from their heart.'

This is the most perfect way — for the mother to speak to God and for God to speak to the children. If you do not communicate in this way, constant lecturing becomes a kind of intimidation. And when the child grows up it begins to rebel, that is, to take revenge, so to speak, on its fa­ther and mother who coerced it. One way is the perfect way — for the mother's and father's holiness and love in Christ to speak. The radiance of sanctity and not human effort makes for good children.

When the children are traumatized and hurt on account of some se­rious situation, don't let it affect you when they react negatively and speak rudely. In reality they don't want to, but can't help themselves at difficult times. They are remorseful afterwards. But if you become irri­tated and enraged, you become one with the evil spirit and it makes a mockery of you all.


The sanctity of the parents is the best way of bringing up children in the Lord.
We must see God in the faces of our children and give God's love to our children. The children should learn to pray. And in order for children to pray they must have in them the blood of praying parents. This is where some people make the mistake of saying, 'Since the parents are devout and pray, meditate on Holy Scripture and bring up their chil-Eph,6:4 dren in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, it is natural that they will become good children.' But nevertheless we see the very opposite result on account of coercion.

It is not sufficient for the parents to be devout. They mustn't oppress the children to make them good by force. We may repel our children from Christ when we pursue the things of our religion with egotism. Children cannot endure coercion. Don't compel them to come with you to church. You can say, 'Whoever wants can come with me now or come later.' Leave God to speak to their souls. The reason why the children of some devout parents become rebellious when they grow up and reject the Church and everything connected with it and go off to seek satisfaction elsewhere is because of this pressure which they feel from their 'good' parents. The so-called 'devout' parents, who were anxious to make good Christians of their children with their human love, pressurized their children and produced the opposite result. The children are pressurized when they are young, and when they reach the age of sixteen, seventeen or eighteen years old, they end up the opposite of what was intended. By way of reaction they start to mix with bad company and to use bad language.

When children grow up in an atmosphere of freedom and at the same time are surrounded by the good example of grown-ups, they are a joy to see. The secret is to be good and saintly and to inspire and radi­ate. The life of the children seems to be affected by the radiation of their parents. If the parents insist, 'Come on now, go and make confession, go and receive Communion', and so on, nothing is achieved. But what does your child see in you? How do you live and what do you radiate? Does Christ radiate in you? That is what is transmitted to your child. This is where the secret lies. And if this is done when the child is young, it will not be necessary for it to undergo 'great travail' when it grows up. Solomon the Wise uses a beautiful image about exactly this subject, un­derlining the importance of a good start and good foundations: He who Wisd. 6:14 seeks her [Wisdom] early shall have no great travail; for he shall find her [DC] sitting at his doors. The person who 'seeks her early' is the person who oc­cupies himself with Wisdom from an early age. Wisdom is Christ.

When the parents are saintly and transmit this to the child and give the child an upbringing 'in the Lord', then the child, whatever the bad influences around it, will not be affected because by the door of its heart will be Wisdom — Christ Himself. The child will not undergo great tra vail to acquire Wisdom. It seems very difficult to become good, but in reality it is very easy when from an early age you start with good expe­riences. As you grow up effort is not required; you have goodness within you and you experience it. You don't weary yourself; it is yours, a pos­session which you preserve, if you are careful, throughout your life.

A selection from Wounded by Love: The Life and the Wisdom of Elder Porphyrios, trans. by John Raffan (Limni, Evia, Greece: Denise Harvey, 2005), 195-205.

A mother should not be satisfied by giving her child a physical caress, but should also coddle it with the caress of prayer. ( St. Porphyrios )

A child needs to be surrounded by people who pray and pray ardently. A mother should not be satisfied by giving her child a physical caress, but should also coddle it with the caress of prayer.

In the depths of its soul the child senses the spiritual caress that its mother conveys to it and is drawn to her.

It feels security and certainty when its mother mystically embraces it with constant, intense and fervent prayer and releases it from whatever is oppressing it.

St. Porphyrios

Young Children in the Orthodox Church

               Preparing for Sunday Liturgy

On Sunday morning, the family should get up in a timely manner, so that all can be properly prepared to go to Church. Large families sometimes find it difficult to have all the children washed, dressed, and brushed in time without a lot of nagging, arguing, and rushing around frantically trying to attend to last minute details. A little organization can go a long way toward a serene beginning to this holy day. First of all, have each child's church clothes laid out the night before, already inspected by a parent so that there will be no last minute arguments about inappropriate, mismatched, stained or torn apparel. Children four years old and older can certainly dress themselves. Older siblings can help the younger ones.

Good grooming is important, both from a spiritual and a psychological standpoint. Dress a child in playclothes and he will be prepared to play. This was once a guiding principle behind school dress codes and is a reason that many public schools nowadays are requiring uniforms. Little boys should wear suits to Church, just as the men do (or should). It is not necessary to spend a fortune. A hand-me-down or a thrift shop bargain will suffice as well a new suit to fix the idea in the child's mind that he is wearing special clothing to a special place where he is expected to act like a man. Not only will the suit serve to instill in him a sense of dignity, but it will also restrict his movements somewhat so that sloppy, casual behavior is rendered far more difficult. Dress shoes go with a suit. Not only do tennis shoes look ridiculous on someone attired properly for Church, but they contradict the message (which should be reinforced constantly) that Church is not a place to play.

Little girls should wear nice dresses and dress shoes. Even from infancy, their heads should be covered. Some people who are misinformed about Orthodox tradition may try to tell you that girls do not need to wear a scarf or hat until they are twelve. Perhaps this has become confused with the age children are usually confirmed into the Roman Catholic Church or they think that the head covering somehow signals to the community that the girl will soon be available for marriage.

Whatever the source of the misconception, it has no basis in Orthodox tradition whatsoever. Girls and women should arrive at Church with their heads covered, stand throughout the service with their heads covered, and leave Church the same way. This is done for spiritual purposes concerning modesty and humility. Therefore, do not be misled into believing that the headcovering needs to be worn only when confessing or communing (another popular myth).

Girls, no matter what age, should NEVER wear pants to Church (or anywhere else, for that matter). It is easy to fall to the mistaken idea that toddlers should be exempt from such a rule. Yes, they are cute and they crawl around on the floor but little girls are not puppies. They will grow up to be women, hopefully women worthy of praise and emulation. It is much better to train a child correctly from a very young age than to impose something suddenly at an arbitrary stage of maturity. The very fact that it is arbitrary and based on personal opinion rather than any teaching of the Church will create feelings of rebellion in the child for which you may have difficulty finding an adequate response. In any case, if your concern is primarily that the weather is cold, have the child wear leggings or tights under her dress.

Boys and girls should be clean and their hair brushed. Even a very small child experiences anticipation and a sense of awe about an event for which they are being so carefully prepared. When a child is allowed to go to Church looking unkempt, dressed in whatever assortment of clothes that came to hand that morning, that child will look and feel like an afterthought - someone who had to be dragged along when the parents wanted to go to Church. No one should expect an "afterthought" to be terribly thrilled about the idea of attending services or to be very cooperative when he gets there. Another important aspect to be considered is that, fair or not, the child will judged by the adults at Church according to his or her appearance and treated accordingly. Warm approval and compliments from adults other than his parents can have a very positive and encouraging effect on a small child. He will not receive any such attention if it does not appear that even his parents think enough of him to do more than toss some wrinkled clothes at him in the morning.

The tone of parental expectations and familial participation can be set during communion prayers before the family even leaves for Church. As at all prayer times in the icon corner, the children should be expected to stand quietly and reverently. Even very small children should be with their parents at this time because even if they do not understand the words of the prayers, they do understand the serious attitude of the parents. This will help to accustom them to particular behavior whenever prayer is being said, thus preparing them to be quiet and attentive in Church. Children who are old enough to read should be allowed to read some of the communion prayers. This will help them to understand that, as they mature, they will be expected to take on some of the responsibilities of adults. Spiritually, psychologically, and emotionally they will respond with enthusiasm to this invitation to become a contributing member of the family Church.

The children, their joys and their difficulties ( St.Paisios )

Q.: I’ve noticed, Elder, that sometimes babies smile at the time of Divine Liturgy.

A.: They don’t do that only at the Divine Liturgy. Babies are in constant contact with God, because they’ve got nothing to worry about. What did Christ say about little children? ‘Their angels in heaven continually gaze upon the face of my Father who is in heaven’. They’re in touch with God and with their guardian angel, who’s with them all the time. They smile in their sleep sometimes, and at other times cry, because they see all sorts of things. Sometimes they see their guardian angels and play with them- the angels stroke them, tease them, shake their fists and they laugh. On other occasions they see some kind of temptation and cry.

Q.: Why does temptation come to babies?

A.: It helps them to feel the need to seek their mothers. If there wasn’t this fear, they wouldn’t need to seek the comfort of being cuddled by their mothers. God allows everything so that it’ll turn out well.

Q.: Do they remember what they see as babies when they grow up?

A.: No, they forget. If a little child remembered the number of times it had seen its guardian angel, it might fall into pride. That’s why, when it grows up, it forgets. God’s wise in His doings.

Q.: Do they see these things after baptism?

A.: Of course after baptism.

Q.: Elder, is it all right for an unbaptized child to reverence relics?

A.: Why not? And they can be blessed with the holy relics. I saw a child today, it was like a little angel. I asked, ‘Where are your wings?’ It didn’t know what to say! At my hermitage, when spring comes and the trees are in blossom, I put sweets on the holm-oaks next to the gate in the fence and I tell the little boys who come: ‘Go on, boys, cut the sweets from the bushes, because if it rains they’ll melt and spoil’. A few of the more intelligent ones know that I’ve put them there and laugh. Others really believe that they’ve grown there and some others have to think about it. Little children need a bit of sunshine.

Q.: Did you put lots of sweets, Elder?

A.: Well, of course. What could I do? I don’t give good sweets to grown-ups; I just give them Turkish delight. When people bring me nice sweets, I keep them for the kids at the School [the Athoniada]. ‘See, last night I planted sweets and chocolates and today they’ve come up! See that? The weather was good, the soil was well-turned because you’d dug it over well and they came up just like that. See what a flower garden I’ll make for you. We’ll never need to buy sweets and chocolates for kids. Why shouldn’t we have our own produce?’ (Elder Païsios had planted sweets and chocolates in the freshly dug earth and put lilac blossoms on top to make it seem that they were flowering).

Q.: Elder, some pilgrims saw the chocolates you planted in the garden because the paper stood out against the soil. They didn’t know what to make of it. ‘Some kid must have put them there’, they said.

A.: Why didn’t you tell them that a big kid put them there?



Q.: Elder, why does God give people a guardian angel, when He can protect us Himself?

A.: That’s God looking after us especially carefully. The guardian angel is God’s providence. And we’re indebted to Him for that. The angels particularly protect little children. And you wouldn’t believe how! There were two children once, playing in the street. One of them aimed at the other to hit him on the head with a stone. The other one didn’t notice. At the last moment, apparently, his angel drew his attention to something else, he leapt up and got out of the way. And then there was this mother who went out into the fields with her baby. She breast-fed it, put it down in its cradle and went off to work. After a bit, she went to check and what did she see? The child was holding a snake and looking at it! When she’d suckled the child, some of the milk had stayed on its lips, the snake had gone to lick it off and the baby had grabbed hold of it. God looks after children.

Q.: Elder, in that case, why do so many children suffer from illnesses?

A.: God knows what’s best for each of us and provides as necessary. He doesn’t give people anything that’s not going to benefit them. He sees that it’s better for us to have some sort of defect, a disability instead of protecting us from them.

Source: Discourses 4, Family Life, published by the Holy Monastery of Saint John the Theologian, Souroti, Thessaloniki

Little snacks for young children ( Church Etiquette )

 Parents often bring little snacks for young children to keep them occupied and quiet in church. This is fine as long as it is discreet and quiet and the parent sees to cleaning up any leftovers. By the time a child is 3-4 years old this will most likely be unnecessary. And by the time a child reaches age 7 they are mostly capable of fasting the entire morning of Holy Communion (or at least cutting back on breakfast). 

For those children who do require snacks during service, please refrain from feeding them, even a bottle, while in line for Communion, as they ought to come to the Holy Mysteries without food already in their mouths. Chewing gum is never appropriate in church.

Parents need to devote themselves to the love of God.... ( St. Porphyrios )

What saves and makes for good children is the life of the parents in the home. The parents need to devote themselves to the love of God. They need to become saints in their relation to their children through their mildness, patience and love. They need to make a new start every day, with a fresh outlook, renewed enthusiasm and love for their children. And the joy that will come to them, the holiness that will visit them, will shower grace on their children. Generally the parents are to blame for the bad behaviour of the children. And their behaviour is not improved by reprimands, disciplining, or strictness. If the parents do not pursue a life of holiness and if they don't engage in spiritual struggle, they make great mistakes and transmit the faults they have within them. If the par­ents do not live a holy life and do not display love towards each other, the devil torments the parents with the reactions of the children. Love, har­mony and understanding between the parents are what are required for the children. This provides a great sense of security and certainty.

The behaviour of the children is directly related to the state of the parents. When the children are hurt by the bad behaviour of the parents towards each other, they lose the strength and desire to progress in their lives. Their lives are constructed shoddily and the edifice of their soul is in constant danger of collapsing. Let me give you two examples.

Two sisters came to see me. One of them had gone through some very distressing experiences and they asked me what was the cause of these. I answered them:
'It's because of your home; it stems from your parents.' And as I looked at the girl I said:

'These are things you've inherited from your mother.'

'But,' she said,' my parents are such perfect people. They're Chris­tians, they go to confession, they receive Holy Communion and we had a re­ligious upbringing. Unless it is religion that is to blame...'

I said to them:

'I don't believe a word of all that you're telling me. I see one tiling only, and that is that your parents don't live with the joy of Christ.'

On hearing this, the other girl said:

'Listen, Maria, the Father's quite right. Our parents go to confession and receive Holy Communion, but did we ever have any peace at home. Our father was constantly complaining about our mother. And every day either the one refused to sit at the table or the other refused to go out somewhere together. So you see what the Father is saying is true.

'What's your father's name?' I asked her,

She told me.

'What's your mother's name?'

She told me.

'Well,' I said,' the feelings you've got inside you towards your moth­er are not at all good.'

You see, the moment she told me her father's name I saw his soul, and the moment she told me her mother's name, I saw her mother and I saw the way her daughter looked at her.

Another day a mother came to visit me with one of her daughters. She was very distressed and broke down in tears.

'What's the matter?' I asked.

'I'm in total despair over my older daughter. She threw her husband out the house and deceived us all with a pack of lies.'

'What kind of lies?' I inquired.

'She threw her husband out the house ages ago and she didn't tell us anything. We would ask on the phone, "How's Stelios doing?', and she would reply, "Oh, he's fine. He's just gone out to buy a newspaper." Each time she would think up some new excuse so that we wouldn't suspect anything. And this went on for two whole years. A few days ago we learned the truth from Stelios himself when we bumped into him by chance.'

So I said to her:

'The fault's your own. It's you that's to blame, you and your husband, but you most of all.'

'What do you mean!' she said indignantly. 'I loved my children to the point that I was never out of the kitchen. I had no life of my own at all. I took them to the church and I was always telling them the right thing to do. How can you say that I'm to blame?'

I turned to her other daughter who was with her and asked:

'What do you think about the matter?'

'The Father's right, Mum,' she said. 'We never ever enjoyed a single day when you weren't quarrelling with Dad.'

'Do you see then, how I'm right? It is you that are to blame. You traumatised the children. They are not to blame, but they are suffering the consequences.'


St. Porphyrios


Wounded by Love: The Life and the Wisdom of Elder Porphyrios, trans. by John Raffan (Limni, Evia, Greece: Denise Harvey, 2005), 195-205.

Parents are responsible for the upbringing of their children ( St. Paisios )

Most of us parents are very proud of our children. We are continually reinforcing their accomplishments with praise and telling them how wonderful they are. But is this heathy for them? This is a question that surely will draw much discussion and differing viewpoints.

Here is what St. Paisios has to say,

Many parents, thinking they dearly love their children, end up destroying them without realizing it. For example, a mother, who excessively loves her daughter, tells her while holding her in her arms: "I have the best chid in the world." Therefore, from a very young age (when a child is unable to realize it and react against it) the child acquires a haughty mind-set and believes she is a nice person. As a result, she is unable to sense the lack of God's presence and his benevolent power in her life and of course, cannot learn to ask for Him. Consequently, she develops a self-confidence as stiff as marble, which often never goes away, since, as the time goes by, it becomes very difficult to get rid of it.The challenge of a parent is to help their child develop a healthy self-esteem which includes humility, while teaching them that all comes from God. Truly, we are all God's children and everything we have and can do comes from Him. It is important to remember to thank Him for the gifts He gives us and out ability to develop and apply them. Pride develops when we think our accomplishments are all our doing or that we are inherently better than others.

How about the extreme emphasis on sports and it competitiveness? A recent survey showed that those who participate in the major sports of baseball, basketball or football are more likely to cheat in school. These activities which emphasize personal accomplishment independent of God can lead our children away from God making it more difficult for them in later life to repent and come closer to God.

We as parents have an awesome responsibly. First we have to develop humility ourselves.

St. Paisios says,

Parents must look after their spiritual life, because apart from themselves, they are also responsible for their children. Of course, they have the excuse of having inherited their negative traits from their own parents; they have no excuse, however, for not trying to get rid of them, once they become aware of their existence.Work continually on your own relationship with God and you will continually become a better parent.

What can and should Christian parents do to protect their children ?

As Orthodox Christian adults, we have only to compare the moral climate of today with that of our childhood to know that we are living in an age of increasing apostasy. Thirty, forty, fifty years ago, the secular culture offered children wholesome entertainment basically supportive of a Christian upbringing. The films and TV programs of those times — e.g. Lassie, Leave it to Beaver, My Friend Flicka, The Lone Ranger-- were all characterized by a well-developed sense of morality that is so essential to a child's proper development. In the past decade, the focus of children’s entertainment has radically changed into what can justifiably be perceived as a conspiracy against Christian parents. This neglect of morality — caused by the pervasive greed that favors cheap sensationalism and anything that sells over quality — is not just limited to television programs — today, games, toys, comics and even coloring books are filled with nightmarish images offering a barely disguised invitation into hell.

For those who think such a statement is a gross exaggeration, a visit to the “toys and games” aisles of the local department store will deliver an unpleasant shock. There, besides “Snow White” and “Kitten Friends,” is a macabre coloring book featuring the TV-based “Skeleton Warriors,” proudly advertised as “bad to the bone!!” On the back cover is a cut-out mask with fangs. “Hey kids,” reads the package of a menacing turtle figure, “with your help, Don can instantly mutate from his Ordinary Turtle Teen self into a sewer secret Night Ninja! the world's most dangerous dude!” (“Ninja,” in Japanese, is a martial arts warrior). In company with the “Teen-age Mutant Ninja Turtles” are a host of other mutants, aliens and extra-terrestrial “heroes,” such as “Transformers” and other soulless robots that sport such names as “Dr. Terror,” “Rampage,” “Tantrum,” and “Razorclaw.” There are “cuddly” monsters and grotesque monsters like the “Berserkers,” a “roaring band of renegade Mutant Viking Cyborgs.” The popular New Age “Star Wars” film and “Star Trek” TV series have spawned whole lines of toys and “play sets” — i.e. outerspace environments and space ships like “Death Star.” And now, Disney Productions--once synonymous with family values — has come out with a film, “Gargoyles.” TV Guide assures parents that these demonic-looking creatures, with their huge claws and enormous bat-like wings, “only look scary”; they are actually “decent and moral.” The cast of characters includes the “noble” Goliath and his cohort Xanatos (meaning “death” in Greek). Then there are macho soldiers such as Rambo and the now long popular G.I. Joe, who come with a whole arsenal of sophisticated weaponry and “battle machines” like “Steel Monster” and “Terror Dome.” Most of these toys are characters from films or cartoons, which “show” a child how the toys are supposed to behave. Promoted as “action toys,” they inspire violent and aggressive play. Video games, such as “Mortal Combat,” have become another source of violent children's entertainment. Other toys are familiarizing children with elements of the occult and Eastern religions. In their cartoons, the innocent-looking Care Bears, the Smurfs and My Little Pony are all heavily laced with occult and New Age symbolism.

And then there's sex. Since her debut in 1959, the glamorous, buxom Barbie has been the queen of dolls, and has become something of an obsession among many young girls. With regular baby dolls, girls naturally practice parenting—after all, toys are effective learning mechanisms--but with Barbie, the focus is on physical attractiveness, boyfriends, and dating, which, in today's sexually-charged atmosphere, is particularly unhealthy. A board game designed for mid-teens spells it out: “Hey, let's be honest. At this stage of our lives, what's more important than finding the perfect member of the opposite sex? Not much. Basically, you play girls against guys. That's cool for starters. You get to make the other team do all this bizarre stuff. If they don't do it, you stamp them and they become your personal party-slaves. Naturally, they have to do whatever you say. Cool. . . Don't be stupid. Try it!”

The toy industry, which is spewing out such abominations, is enjoying a profitable partnership with the film industry. Cartoons have become essentially 30 minute advertisements, and children have responded by becoming aggressive consumers of whatever film-character toys are in fashion — in addition to the bed-sheets, lunch-boxes, T-shirts, posters and other articles bearing the image of their favorite TV-toy, whether it is the macho G.I. Joe or the New Age Pocahontas. This gross abuse of children's souls is a lucrative business.

The task of raising Christian children has never been an easy one. “A young child,” writes St. Dimitri of Rostov (l709), “is like a board | prepared for icon painting. Whatever the iconographer paints on it, honorable or dishonorable, holy or sinful, an angel or a demon, it remains forever. The same applies to a young child: that upbringing which he is given, those manners he is taught--whether God-pleasing or God-despised, angelic or demonic--shall be part of him for the rest of his life.” Because children are so impressionable, parents must be especially vigilant regarding the influences surrounding their children, ensuring as much as possible that these make a positive contribution to their development, towards making them worthy citizens of the Kingdom of Heaven.

The powerful influence of images on the soul is one reason why icons should have a prominent place in the Orthodox home. In his book, The Meaning of Icons, Leonid Ouspensky writes that the icon “transmits, or rather testifies visually to. . . the reality of God and of the world of grace and of nature.” Iconography, he says, is a means which the Church employs to convey its teaching, to transmit the revelation of the divine world, to point to the Kingdom of Heaven. Icons are reflections of men who have been regenerated into eternity; they aid us in uncovering and developing the beauty of holiness. In other words, they help men attain likeness to God, following the basic principle that “we become like that which we habitually contemplate” (Constantine Cavarnos, Orthodox Iconography.).

The same principle holds true for the abominable images which have invaded the world of children's toys. “It is well known,” writes Bishop Theophan the Recluse (l894), “how powerfully corrupt images act upon the soul, no matter in what form they might touch it.” Children are particularly vulnerable; their consciousness and their identities are not yet developed. And so, Satan has targeted them with his own perverse form of “iconography”: images which harden their souls and accustom them to a world of darkness — a world where traditionally demonic images are considered “good,” where ugliness and brutishness are glorified, and where aggression is rewarded. The lines of good and evil are blurred. There is no God. The “saviours” of the world come from outer space. Or they come in the form of Nietzsche's superman, who wields power without conscience. Far from being repulsed by these monstrous inventions, many children describe them as “cool, “awesome,” and, approvingly, “bad.” Should Satan visit these children in their dreams, they would have no fear, and no defense.

What can and should Christian parents do to protect their children from such “soul-corrupting evils"? It is, of course, normal for children to have a certain fascination with scary monsters, and a child who plays with a magic wand or a Power Ranger isn't necessarily harming his soul. What is essential here is that the child be surrounded by a strong Christian culture in the home, and that parents be attentive and take an active part in the child's development. Providing opportunities for genuine play is important, and there are many healthy alternatives to the toys and games we have described. As most toys today are priced beyond the range of a child's allowance, it is up to parents to exercise control. Non specific toys — i.e. those that give the greatest scope to the child's imagination and creativity — are best; these include card board boxes, blocks, tinker toys, crayons and other art and craft supplies; for an older child, a supply of scrap wood with a hammer and nails. Children enjoy playing with parents, and there are many board games that are fun for the whole family; these include Parcheesi, Monopoly, Pictionary, and Scrabble. Reading aloud is another valuable pastime which brings children and parents together.

The world is full of images that pull the soul in the wrong direction. Parents should surround children with images conducive to salvation, images that make the soul receptive to grace. Raising Christian children in this post-Christian age is a daunting responsibility and a real podvig. It requires a serious investment of time, patience, love and prayer. But the rewards are incomparable — and eternal.

Chidren, raising them right ( St. Porphyrios )

  About Parental  Education and  upbringing

The education, says elder Porphyrios, lasts throughout life (lifelong education) and starts from fetal life, and constantly evolving. The most important educations and upbringing is the one held by the family.

According to elder Porphyrios, the family is the first physical means of upbringing and educating people. In the first 5 years of human life the family with all functions – visible and hidden, conscious and unconscious – helps on shaping the personality. The child and the adolescent observe the family roles played by parents. Children often identify themselves with the roles of parents. Sometimes, however, the children reject their parents and adopt a reactive behavior. This is obvious especially in dysfunctional families.

Elder Porphyrios teaches that the core of the personality of young people is organized in the framework of the dynamic relationships in the family. Elder Porhpyrios in all the cases that came to him for confession, he studied their background of their intra-familial and marital relationships.

What makes good children, says elder Porphyrios, is the virtuous lives of parents at home. Parents should love God. Parents, according to elder Porphyrios, should become ‘saints’, ‘holy’ near their children and have gentleness, patience and love. They should be always available for their children, with enthusiasm and love for them. Then, with the grace of God, and their ‘holiness’ they will transfer their good and virtuous feelings to their children.

For the bad behavior of the children, says elder Porphyrios, we should blame the parents. Parents don’t help their children with their advices and by ‘lecturing’; neither by imposing a strict discipline, nor by controlling their life. If the parents don’t ‘sanctify’ and become ‘saints’ and virtuous, they make a big mistake and send the wrong message to their children.

Love, unity and cooperation of parents and good understanding between them and their children gives a sense of security and confidence to their children. Otherwise, the children become unsafe and insecure. Often the unsecure children can lead to the ‘safety’ of a gang and/or obtain a violent behavior (as a reaction to a dysfunctional family).

The behavior of the children is related to the situations they experienced in their family. The negative attitude of parents creates wounds in the hearts of the children and leaves scars of injury in their souls that keep during their whole life. These psychological scars are affecting their behavior and their relationship with the others, during the rest of their lives.

In other words, the experiences the children carry from their childhood affect their lives and their behavior in relation to the others (family, sexual relationship, friends). Children, says elder Porphyrios, become older, educated, but do not really change. This is obvious even from the most minor events of their life.

Elder Porphyrios says that when you start from a young age with good memories and experiences, then when you grow up you don’t have trouble to get good and virtuous, but you live goodness every day, you have it within you self, it is your property that does not vanish.

The children with psychological problems (such as tantrum, frustration, isolation, violent behavior and other reactive behaviors), elder Porphyrios used to call them ‘confused’. Children with psychological problems, says elder Porphyrios, are usually created by negative experiences they lived in a troubled, with many conflicts, family life. Elder Porphyrios used to say that ‘confused children come up from confused parents’. The disturbance of homeostasis and balance of family bonds erases the educating and upbringing role of the parents.

Elder Porphyrios says that family has a major responsibility for the mental status of everyone. He believes that the education and upbringing of children starts from the moment of their conception in the belly of their mother. The fetus in the womb hears and feels, understands the movements and emotions of the mother. If the mother feels sadness, fear or anxiety, the feeling is transmitted to the fetus. If the mother does not want her fetus, if she does not love it, this feeling is transmitted to the baby and creates wounds in its soul that carries throughout its life.

Contrary, if the mother has positive emotions (joy, love for the fetus), it transmits them to the fetus. So a pregnant mother needs to pray much, to caress her belly, to love her baby and to live a ‘holy’, virtuous life. The pregnant mother has a huge responsibility and honour. She is responsible for the development of her kid, even during her pregnancy.

In relation to the teaching role of the parents, elder Porphyrios says that parents – especially the mothers – often know how to get nervous, distressed and also know to ‘lecturing’ their children, but they have not learned to pray for their children. Advices, suggestions and ‘lecturing’ are often tiring for their children, says elder Porphyrios. Instead, the prayer goes immediately to their heart.

Prayer, silence and love help better from ‘lecturing’. However the parents love their children with human criteria and human means (however human love can often be pathological) and the children become ‘confused’ and their attitude is negative and reactive. But when the parents love each other and their children, children will not have problems. Elder Porphyrios summarizes his pedagogical teaching in one sentence: <<the ‘sanctity’ of the parents saves their children>>. But to do this, God’s grace should visit the soul of the parents.

Elder Porphyrios says that the parents’ life is the only thing that creates good children inside the house. Parents should be very patient and ‘saint’. They should truly love their children. And the children will share this love. For the bad attitude of the children, says elder Porphyrios, the parents are usually responsible. The parents don’t help their children with their repeating ‘advices’, the discipline that they impose and their strict rules.

If the parents don’t become ‘saints’ and truly love their children, if they don’t struggle for it, they make huge mistake and they convey to their kids their bad feelings that they have inside their soul. Then their children become reactive and insecure.

Contrary, says elder Porphyrios, if the parents show love and communicate well themselves, then their children feel secure. Their children’s attitude is related directly with the attitude of their parents. When the children get hurt from their parents bad attitude (or the bad relationship between their parents), then they lose their strength to progress.

Once, elder Porphyrios met 2 young girls that came to him for confession (to confess their sins). He found out that one of the girls had a dysfunctional life that was related to her bad relations with her mother. The girl confessed that her parents had often arguments between themselves.

Another time a mother with her daughter visited elder Porphyrios. She said that she was desperate with her other daughter, because she expelled her husband from their home and for 2 years she pretended at her parents that her relationship with her husband was fine (however finding every time excuses for her husband for not appearing on the telephone). After conversation, the mother admitted that she had continually arguments with her husband and that had a negative impact on their relationship with their daughter who created a dysfunctional family, perpetuating the problems.

Elder Porphyrios advises parents to knock on the door of the soul of their children gently, subtly and politely. They should not become tedious and annoying their children with their ‘lectures’ and their overprotection. So, says elder Porphyrios, most parents need to do a secret prayer for their children and say what they have to tell them secretly, to the soul of their children. The perfect, as elder Porphyrios says, is the parents to talk to God and then God will speak to their children.

Children need people, and especially their parents, to make them a warm prayer. Cuddling and caressing them is not enough. They need better the spiritual touch of a prayer. The child feels in the depths of its soul the spiritual messages that its parents (especially its mother) send, and feels safe and secure from this secret – psychic – embrace with its parents.

Elder Porphyrios believes that the family is largely responsible for the psychological problems and the negative behavior of the children. The ‘sanctity’ of the parents prevents these problems. The children need beside them ‘saint’ parents who love them (not in the sense of overprotection that ‘chokes’ them), and not to tire them with their ‘lecturing’ about moral issues.

Parents should not be limited to sterile words. Instead of only teaching, they should be themselves a good example. They need to pray for their children and embrace them silently and secretly (mentally). Elder Porphyrios states that even if parents do not quarrel with their child using physical violence, if the show resentment and glare them, then their child will understand their negative feelings.

Elder Porphyrios states that children do not belong to the parents. Their lives of their children belong to themselves, not to their parents. The role of parents is pedagogical, educational. They need to respect their children and to behave democratically. They should see God in the face of their children and give God’s love to them.

Parents, continues elder Porphyrios, need to understand that their words, their ‘lecturing’ and their suggestions do not work as effectively unless they follow what they say and also live a virtuous life.

Parents also serve as models, patterns. With their experiences and their behavior they teach their children. As educators, they should improve themselves. Parents need lifelong spiritual perfection to achieve as educators.

Elder Porphyrios says that the children in a dysfunctional family carry scars on their soul for their whole life and this influences their relationship with the others (including their partners, later) and they carry in their whole life these negative feelings. It is totally a psychological phenomenon.

However, says elder Porphyrios, parents should not ‘change’ their children with threats, strict rules, ‘advices’ and compulsions, because they rather make things worse. The parents should correct the situation by becoming more ‘saint’ themselves. If the parents give love, they will receive love. Children need love from their parents, and not threats, or parents that keep on lecturing to their children, however they do not follow the good example that they ‘preach’.

Parents, says elder Porphyrios, shouldn’t also ‘push’ their children. They shouldn’t hurt their child by punishing it with a strict way or punishing it excessively. They should avoid even to stare with a threatening way their child, because the child conceives a negative feeling and later when the parent are calm the child will react for the previous attitude and will not accept the ‘sorry’ or the caress of the parent, but will consider it as hypocrisy.

Other parents tend to be overprotective on their children. They are stressed and anxious for their children and they transfer this stress on their kids. Once, a mother complained to elder Porphyrios that her 5 years old child didn’t obey her. The mother with her kid took a ride elder Porphyrios to a coast that was nearby. There, as the 2 adults were talking the 5 years old kid run towards the sea and jumped on a crag hill of sand and threatened its mother that it would lose its balance and fall into the sea!

The mother turned frightened, but elder Porphyrios asked her not to pay attention on her kid, but turn her back and ignore it (however he watched himself the kid with the side of his eye!). When the kid got tired challenging its mother, it slowly returned back and approached the 2 adults. Children many times tend to ‘test’ their parents. Often they enjoy challenging them. It’s always a reaction.

Another mother complained to elder Porphyrios that her 3 years old son didn’t eat all the foods, especially yogurt. The small kid ‘tortured’ his mother every day refusing to eat yogurt. Elder Porphyrios asked the mother a ‘trick’: to empty the fridge from all the food except yogurt! The parents should be patient for some days. They should only offer their child yogurt. If it doesn’t eat it, it doesn’t matter. He will finally get hungry and will eat it at last. The parents followed the elder’s advice. Things happened as elder said and now yogurt is the favourite food for that kid!

This advice is different from a modern behaviourist approach where the parents ‘play’ their child’s game and actually try to make it eat its meal. To my mind elder Porphyrios’ approach is more educational and appropriate (with the behaviourist approach, parents tend to lower their level on their kids’ level!).

Mothers, says elder Porphyrios, that are continually up on their child’s head and keep pressing it and treating it with an overprotective way have failed. They should let their kid alone to take care for its own progress. Then it will achieve in REAL life. When the parents are overprotective, their children become lazy, indolent, and usually fail in real life.

Once a mother complained to elder Porphyrios that her son failed to pass the exams to enter at the university. He was the best student in the primary, the junior and the senior high school. Elder Porphyrios said to the mother that she was the one that oppressed her son all these years to be the best student, in order his family to feel proud. However all this pressure, that we call ‘perfectionism’, had a negative impact to the child. It was fed up from all this pressure and finally reacted to it by neglecting studying his lessons. Elder Porphyrios advised the mother not to press her son to be perfect, neither to be overprotective to it. Her son would move on, when his mother leave him free from this oppression.

Elder Porphyrios says also that parents should also pray to God for their children. Their children’s soul feels this prayer that secretly their parents sent. The children feel more secure when their parents (and especially their mother) pray for them.

Once a mother visited elder Porphyrios at the monastery. She was desperate for her son that had not ‘good’ guys for friends, he was ‘confused΄’ and he returned home very late at night. Elder Porphyrios said to her just to pray for her son every night at a specific time. Elder Porphyrios also prayed the same time every night. He advised the mother not to press her son by ‘lecturing’ him because he returned late at home, but instead say him e.g.: ‘My son, you can eat the food we have left you in the fridge’. She shouldn’t say anything else. She just needed to treat her son with love.

About 20 days later the son asked his mother ‘why aren’t you talking to me?’ (he meant: why isn’t she complaining about his attitude e.g. for returning late in home). The mother said her son the words that elder Porphyrios advised. He also advised her to continue praying and not to complain and lecture her son’s for his bad attitude. Her son, subconsciously, was torturing her because he wanted her to be punished for his (oppressive) attitude. He wanted to ‘play’ with his mother. When his mother stopped punishing him, he felt weird. He didn’t have any more any reason for his reactive behaviour. Later, the kid visited elder Porphyrios without anyone speaking before for him. Today he is a very good young man that has joined the army force.

Parents and teachers, says elder Porphyrios, should avoid extreme measures like excessive strictness, authoritarianism and violence (physical, verbal, psychological, economical). On the other hand, they should avoid offering too much freedom in their children, because that can often be akin to indifference. They should avoid to over exaggerate, because they with this attitude they do not contribute to the intellectual and emotional maturity of their children. Instead, they help them with their moderation, their moderate indulgence and sometimes with their silence.

Elder Porphyrios emphasized for the young the role of prevention, instead of treatment. ‘Prevention is better than treatment’, Hippocrates (the ancient Greek doctor who established medicine as a science) used to say. The family should offer an atmosphere of love, peace and tranquility. Parents, says elder Porphyrios, should not exasperate their children, but educate them with their admonition to have a virtuous life.

Elder Porphyrios sees God in the face of the people. Often he keeps silent, and with his silence he gives his advices. He also personalizes each case. He regards everyone as a unique personality. Thus, for the same incident he may give in two people two different advices. In any unusual behavior he illuminates the causes it and then, with a distinctive way, he intervenes.

Elder Porphyrios accepts people as they are, with their weaknesses, their faults and their particularly behavior. He doesn’t put all people inside the same mold. Neither he reacts to the (often extreme) external appearance, eccentric and provocative behavior (often of young people), but always explores the root of their behavior, their soul and their motivation.

In one case, religious and educated parents complained him that their son spends his teens in an explosive way. He advised them to remain silent and to pray for their child and not overwhelm him with their moral issues and their ‘lectures’, otherwise they will strengthen the reactionary behavior of their son. Their behavior infuriated their son.

Elder Porphyrios teaches parents to learn to listen to their children and discuss the problems that preoccupy them. He advised parents to always offer their parental arms open to their children, especially if their children feel loneliness, pain and rejection from their environment.

Elder Porphyrios emphasizes the value of ‘positive action’ and stresses that benefits more people and helps developing the positive aspects of personality. He advises people not to deal with evil, which is like the thorns in the garden. People should not tackle the expulsion of evil. They should not deal with their passions. Instead of fighting with evil, he advises that it is better (and easier) to direct the water, namely the strength of soul, towards the flowers of the garden. That is positive action. Then they will rejoice and feel the fragrance and beauty of the flowers (namely with their virtuous life they will expel evil and get rid of the negative atmosphere).

In contrast, the ‘negative action’ is harmful, says elder Porphyrios. Many parents (especially mothers) are characterized by a negative action towards their children, they oppress them, or contrary they are overprotective and are always over their heads. Then the children react and become sloth and fail in life, so then parents have failed their purpose. Parents fail if they are oppressive or overprotective on their children. The authoritarian parents who impose by force or manipulation, and also the overprotective parents, fail.

So parents, and especially mother, need to pray for their children, says elder Porphyrios. ‘Pray more and say less words’ elder Porphyrios used to say. Parents should avoid bothering their kids. They should rather pray, secretly. By ‘lecturing’ to their kids, parents make their kids react with usually a negative behaviour.

Mothers, says elder Porphyrios, should pray to God for their child. God will speak to the child Himself and the child will finally consider its behaviour and realize that it shouldn’t frustrate its mother with its bad attitude. Otherwise, the child reacts and subconsciously ‘punishes’ its parents for their oppression, by following a negative behaviour. Traumatized and psychologically injured children react badly. Of course they usually regret for it.

Parents shouldn’t force their children to pray to God or follow them at the church. Children will react negatively if they sustain this oppression. It’s not a coincidence that most people today do not believe to any kind of religion (namely are atheists or even nihilists). They were pushed from their parents to be faithful; however, they reacted to this pressure of their ‘faithful’ and religious parents.

Another kind of reaction, says elder Porphyrios, is with their peers, when the children have bad guys for friends, or they say vulgar lay words. Of course parents should be the perfect example for their children and follow their own advices.

Parents should also teach their children to be humble, says elder Porphyrios. They should be very careful when they praise them. They should not say their child ‘you will accomplish everything, you are great, you are perfect etc’. Most parents praise their kids. However, they don’t help them with this attitude. All the Saint people were humble. God is the only one who is perfect. Parents, by praising their children, don’t make them ready for the difficulties of real life. The children can’t adjust to real life and then they fail.

Too much care and overprotection are characteristics of parental anxiety. Often the parents are anxious about the future of their children (to get married and make a family and to find a job). Their stress creates anxiety in their children. Parents often try to fulfill their unfulfilled desires and dreams through their children.

Parents often try, through their children, to ensure the status of the family (e.g. when their child becomes recognized on its profession). Elder Porphyrios notes that in a case a mother was responsible for the problematic behavior of her son with her perfectionism to make him first in everything in order to get into the ‘high society’.

Elder Porphyrios says that continuous and excessive praising of the children by their parents (or their teachers) is wrong because it makes them swell with pride. Then the children become selfish and egocentric. They grow in selfishness and can’t adjust to society.

On the other hand, humble are more adaptive in the society, do not create problems to other people and do not get angry when someone shows their error. Elder Porphyrios says that parents can teach their children to live simple and humble and not to seek praise continually. ‘Humility is healthy’, says elder Pophyrios.


The educational role of the teacher

Those reported to parents apply to teachers as well. The teachers can help their students to school with their prayer and their ‘sanctity’. They should ask for God’s grace and not to try to correct their students in a human manner. Often teachers transmit their anxiety to their students. With faith in God, their stress goes away. They also need to have distinction.

Their love for students should be true and not human, as often parents do. They need to pray for each student. Before entering the classroom, they should pray for their students. When they enter the classroom they should embrace with their look all the students. After talking to them, they should offer completely themselves to their students. They should not say much about God at their students, because the young often react to religion. They need a proper preparation.

So it is better to pray to God for their students. However, love requires sacrifice of time. If teachers are virtuous, then God will speak to the students in the classroom or the auditorium.

Teachers, says elder Porphyrios, should avoid praising their students, because in that case they become selfish and with this egoism they go away from God and they ignore their parents and teachers. Parents and teachers shouldn’t say any lie to their children/students, neither should they praise them. Praising the young makes them selfish. They ask for praising in their whole life. If it is not given, they get frustrated. They can’t also adjust to society which is cruel for the unprepared. Later, these kids will end up to the psychiatrist’s coach. ‘Always tell the truth to the young. Don’t praise them, neither over exaggerate’, says father Porphyrios.

‘We should also not ask for the others to love us, by praising them. We have to learn to love, without asking to be loved. We should love and make sacrifices. By praising the youth we cultivate their super – Ego, inflating their selfishness. We should not keep the youth away from the real values of life. We should teach the youth to be humble. Then they can change the world!’, says elder Porphyrios.

The attitude of today’s society harms the young, says elder Porphyrios. The result is that today the young are frustrated and struggle to say their parents (and teachers) that ‘you need to understand us’. However the parents/ teachers don’t hear them. The parents/teachers shouldn’t lower themselves on the level of the young. Instead, they should pray for them. God will help them!

Teachers, says elder Porphyrios, should avoid using human ‘educational’ ways to ‘correct’ their students. Most teachers transfer to their students their own stress. They should treat them with real love, as if they were their parents.

If a student makes trouble, says elder Porphyrios, then the teacher should first make a general comment saying: ‘Students, we are here for lesson, a very important job. I am here to help you. You are also tired to achieve in your life. I love you all. I struggle too to help you. So, please remain quiet to achieve our purpose’. The teacher should look the student that is troublemaker. If the student continues its bad behaviour, then the teacher should respond to it, not with anger, but with a serious and steady way. Teachers need to impose in their classroom in order to affect their students’ soul. Students are not responsible for their bad behaviour. It is their parents’ responsibility.

Teachers should also teach their students about love, says elder Porphyrios. They should say them that: ‘only love makes all beautiful, fills our life and has a great meaning in it. We all have 2 selves. One is mean and evil; and one is good. We have to cultivate our good part that offers progress, love and goodness. Our bad part wants as lazy and unconcerned for everything (after all, today most people are selfish and egocentric). However, everything needs a proper preparation. Love needs sacrifices’.

Once a teacher was frustrated from the bad behaviour of one of his students and wanted to dismiss him from the school. On the meantime a new teacher came to the school. The old teacher informed the new one about the naughty student. He also informed the new teacher that the student liked a lot bicycles.

The second day the new teacher entered the class and said to the students: ‘Students, I have a problem. My legs are tired when I walk long and I want to drive a bicycle, however I have never drove any. Is there anyone that can teach me how to drive a bicycle?’ The naughty student replied ‘I know’! Since then, the new teacher and the ‘naughty’ student became best friends. The old teacher then felt that he wasn’t capable to impose himself to that student.

Understanding and respecting the natural environment

Elder Porphyrios advises to rejoice in everything around us. For the plants, the animals, the birds, the mountains, the sea, the sunset, the stars in the sky and in general all the animate and inanimate elements of nature that teach us and lead us to God. They are all signs of God’s love. Through them we come to love: to God. All those that are related to nature help us in our spiritual life, by the grace of God. Elder Porphyrios says that when he feels the harmony of nature, he cries.


Reference

1. Elder Porphyrios Kafsokalyvitis, ‘Life and Speeches’, chapter ‘About the education of children’, pages (415) – (444), edition of the Holy Monastery of Chrysopigi, Chania, Crete, 9th edition, Chania, Greece, 2008.

2. Georgios Kroustalakis, chapter ‘Elder Porphyrios as an educator’, pages (185) – (205), from the book ‘Elder Porphyrios Kafsokalyvitis – Landmark of sainthood in the modern world “, published by Holy Monastery of Chrysopigi, Chania, Crete, first edition, Chania, Greece, 2008. The book is based on transcripts from the inter-Orthodox monastic conference that took place – under the blesses of the Holy Synod of the Church of Crete – Chania Crete, Agia Kyriaki, in 10 to 12 May 2007.

3. Elder Porphyrios the priest–monk, ‘Anthology of Advices’, edition of the Holy Monastery of Metamorphosis (transfiguration) of Christ, Milesi Attica, 8th edition, Athens, Greece, 2010.

4. Klitos Ioannidis, ‘Elder Porphyrios – Memories and experiences’, edition of the Holy Monastery of Metamorphosis (transfiguration) of Christ, Milesi Attica, 10th edition, Athens, Greece, 2009.

NOTE

1. Of course the word ‘love’ in this text has anything to do with the sexual meaning of the word (as we say e.g. ‘make love’ instead of ‘make sex’) that our corrupted modern society has replaced, especially thru the media. Love here has a Christian meaning that most today forget.

2. I have added some small comments on elder Porphyrios’ words, however without changing their meaning. I also haven’t changed his original words (under quotations).


Porphyrios Bairaktaris (1906–1991) was an Athonite hieromonk known for his gifts of spiritual discernment.
A native of Evia province, the future Elder Porphyrios (his birth name had been Evangelos, while his monastic name was Nikitas) became a monk at the age of fourteen or fifteen. He was tonsured a monk in the Athonite skete of Kafsokalyvia, in the Cell of St. George. Forced by pleurisy to depart the Holy Mountain, he returned to his birthplace, where he was unexpectedly elevated to the priesthood by Porphyrios III, Archbishop of Mount Sinai and Raithu. With the outbreak of World War II he became a hospital chaplain in Athens, in which post he continued for three decades (1940–1970). His later years were devoted to the construction of the Holy Convent of the Transfiguration of the Savior. After 1984 he returned to Mount Athos, occupying the same cell which he had earlier in life been forced to abandon. Through his role as spiritual father, Elder Porphyrios became known to an ever-wider circle of Orthodox faithful. Several compilations of stories and sayings attributed to him have been published.